"It Is Finished" (The Candle Story, that is)

I learned so much from this flame preservation that I could fill volumes. I won’t do that now, because I want to get to the really REALLY important part now.  Today.  RIGHT NOW. 

 

Months later, as restrictions lifted, I went in search of a case of candles. At the time, there was a Catholic bookstore in Kalamazoo, so I went there and asked if I could get a case of the 7-day candles that are made for the exact purpose of carrying flames for memorials. I explained to my friend Steve behind the counter what I needed the candles for and the urgency with which I needed them. He ordered the candles from his supplier and asked an innocent question that still haunts me. “What difference does it make?” Okay, full disclosure, I was hopping mad at first. Why did he not UNDERSTAND how important this was?  What he was asking is what difference does it make if this particular candle goes out, and he has a point. (Matches exist to light candles.) This flame being extinguished really does not add or subtract from the entire world around me. At the end of the day, it's just a candle. But THIS candle had come to represent the necessity of keeping my faith alive, especially during this time of so much loneliness and darkness. It was a great question. What difference does it make if I let the flame OF MY FAITH go out? What difference would it make if God wasn't central in my life? Truth is, it makes all the difference. Without God there's no point. Without God there's no love. Even in the darkest times and the most “unprecedented” times and the most awful things a person can go through in life, God is there. God is always there loving us through it. He loves us into existence every single day. I don't love God so that he can love me. I love God because he loved me first. Of course, Steve had no idea how connected this candle and my faith life had become. He had no way of knowing what it meant to me, or what an impact his simple question had on my life, especially over the next few months.  

The flame burned on for nearly an entire year. Every single day we made sure the flame was still burning brightly. We made sure the next candle was ready to go. We looked ahead to see when we needed to reorder them. Sometimes one candle would go out, and we relit it from the remaining "partner" candle. We had someone check the candle when we left the house for more than a day. Diligent!  We were DILIGENT in pouring the incredible amount of care and attention it took to keep it lit.

Before long, the Triduum was approaching!

Remember when I mentioned that on Good Friday all the candles were extinguished in the church?  ALL of them. Every. Single. Candle. The sister flame would be gone. Extinguished. I sat and looked at this dear little fire that we had spent the last year keeping alive, and I feared the darkness of being without it. Why snuff it out?  Why not just keep going as it is? All that work and preparation would have been for nothing! What difference DID it make? Was I really prepared to give up all that we worked for over the past year? It was truly excruciating.

Turns out, THAT IS THE POINT!

That is the whole point of Good Friday. It was excruciating. For years, Jesus had been leading and teaching and preparing his disciples for what was about to come. He created a life. He welcomed strangers and outcasts. He created his own “FrankenCandle” of followers that were not the rich and fancy, but when combined with his light, shone brightly. He was diligent and intentional. Every day he cared for his people and checked on them. He fed them and healed them. He KNEW what he was going to do and what it would cost him. In the Garden of Gethsemane he prayed so fervently to Let this cup pass, but only if it’s YOUR will. How brutal it must have been for him to give it all up and not keep caring for our earthly needs.  

Talk about brutal, Jesus was beaten, scourged, mocked and tortured. He was mutilated to the point of being almost unrecognizable as a person. Then beaten some more. Then humiliated some more, even by one who was being crucified with him. He was nailed to the cross by his feet and hands, and left to die, and the last thing he said was “It is finished.” With that, the light of the world went out. 

 

This was just a candle. It also wasn’t JUST a candle to me. It was a flame that we kept burning for a year, and it was hard to let it go. It was the light and warmth that reminded us of the REAL source of light and warmth. taught me so much about my faith. It made a lot of difference. I mourned that little light and noticed how dark my house was without it.   

Good Friday is dark. It’s grieving and lonely and feels hopeless. Jesus’s friends felt that too. The darkness and finality of the grave is a flame you can never relight.

 

Except…

 

JESUS

 

It’s Triduum again. Not just one day, but three. Good Friday isn’t the end of the story. Jesus knew that wasn't going to be the end. He knew the loss and pain was necessary to bring the whole world hope! Jesus knew the story wasn't over. He is RISEN! He didn't leave us, he came back for us, making a path for us to eternal bliss with the Father. On Easter Vigil, 2021, Holy Saturday, the SUPERBOWL of Catholic celebrations, we gathered, IN PERSON, with our faith family. First one candle was lit from the new fire outdoors, and then the flame passed from candle to candle, held by our brothers and sisters, friends and family, until the entire church was aglow with HIS light!  The Halleluia was sung and the WHOLE STORY WAS TOLD, and people were baptized, and all REVELED in the VICTORY that Christ has won for all of us…TOGETHER. 

We sang the songs, celebrated the Resurrection, and shared the fire. A candle was kept in the choir room to transport our new flame home to its place of honor in the prayer corner, and the diligent, intentional, and important work of maintaining the fire AND my faith began anew.  

SO that’s what happened. Every year since we have kept the fire from Holy Saturday until the following Good Friday.  As I write this, it is Good Friday, 2026, and I just blew out our candle. I’m sad, but I know what's coming. Happy Easter.

 

 

 

 

The Candle Story (part 2)

 

Easter morning came and I was so excited to get this little piece of the Triduum and bring it home. I got to Saint Joseph church early. I assumed it was a private Mass that we could not attend, so we planned to get there before it started. When Luke and I arrived at the sacristy Father Chris was there preparing for Mass and he gave us the candle and assured us that it was lit from the fire from the night before. Luke and I took the candle gingerly and started to leave, joyful to share the light, but mournful at being so close to the Mass, but not part of it.

Father Chris stopped us and asked if we would like to stay for Mass!!!

GLORY HALLELUIA! YES YES YES! It’s an Easter Miracle! We jumped at the chance! We hadn't been physically to Mass in a solid month or more and hadn't received the Eucharist in what felt like forever. We found a spot in the church half way back, and incredibly distant from the five or six other people who were present in the church. Luke and I were SO THANKFUL to be LIVE and IN PERSON for Mass. We set the candle down on the floor and prayed like never before. When it came time for the Eucharist, we were scrambling to find the prayer of Spiritual Communion that we had been accustomed to praying instead of receiving “for real”. I looked up and to my surprise the other people in the church were going forward to receive communion! I nearly shoved Luke out of the pew, and we scurried to the front of the church to receive the Blessed Sacrament! My heart was beating out of my chest!  It was beyond satisfaction.  It was beyond feeding HUNGER or quenching THIRST.  It was like the feeling that I had when my sons returned from active duty in the military. My heart has returned! What a Eucharistic Homecoming! The one I love has returned to me!!!  I was made whole again.  I had no idea then how long it would be until I would receive the sacrament again, but at that moment, it didn’t matter.  I was home. That communion carried me through a lot of dark days, and so did that light. Now to get it home….

 

  “All the darkness in the world can’t extinguish the light from a single candle.”-St. Francis of Assisi

 

After Mass, I was terrified that the wind would blow out the candle.  No, that’s not quite right.  Carrying that candle, I was like a first-time Mother carrying her newborn baby over a tightrope extended over the Grand Canyon… in the wind. This flame was my connection to its sister flame burning in front of the tabernacle inside the church, indicating that God’s presence was truly there. For me, it represented so many things: God’s presence, the hope of our return to Mass and my own faith life. Its survival felt linked to mine, spiritually. We got home and carefully carried the candle into our home.  It was very emotional. I was overjoyed to see this light, which represented the Light of the World, our Lord Himself, in my very own home.  I placed it on the kitchen table… Looked at it… and realized I had no idea what to do next.

First, I had to find a place to keep it that would allow us to see it, but wouldn’t get knocked over, bumped, or in any way catch the house on fire. I created a home for it in the prayer corner, the perfect spot. Safe and visible. 

Then I realized how COMPLETELY unprepared I was for my fiery little guest. I mean, it doesn’t seem like keeping a flame burning is a difficult thing to do. Pretty much you just keep a candle under it. I hadn’t made an actual plan for those candles. In hindsight, that would have been a great idea. It doesn't seem like it would be difficult to just get more candles, BUT…  we were early in the pandemic and deep in “unprecedented times”. Just like everything else about the pandemic, nothing was simple, so I’d have to make it up as I go along. So many stores were closed. Even when the stores were open, my doctor ABSOLUTELY FORBADE ME from being around other people. I'm not an extreme person, however when my doctor tells me that I should be living life in a hamster ball because I would surely die a slow, suffocating death if I got COVID, I tend to listen. Yes, the level of panic was exactly that real. Even those who didn’t have health conditions were told to “shelter in place” and stay home unless ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY!!!  Running out to the store to purchase more candles (at least at that point) was not an option for me, and I wasn’t willing to send my family into that danger either.  I considered my options.

“FrankenCandle” was the brainchild of necessity and creativity. ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Doesn’t everyone have a drawer full of bits and pieces of random half-spent and broken candles? I turned to that drawer in my time of desperation to find the fuel that would keep my faith light lit.   

I had some glass jars that were the “Ghost of 7-day votives Past” and an eclectic variety of taper candles, so I got to work melting the stumps and broken pieces that I had been saving for years.  It’s funny, at the time I saved them I didn’t really know why I couldn’t just throw them away like a normal person. Even hoarding candle bits can serve God’s purposes, I guess.

I layered the melted wax and the smaller chunks into the jar, let it cool a little, then pushed a taper candle down into the middle of it.  Within a few hours I had created the craziest looking pillar you’ve ever seen. The candle bits were a mixed bag, so you never really knew what scent you were going to get. It could smell like a fruit salad, sometimes smelled like Christmas and roses had a baby, and sometimes smelled like cotton linen with some pumpkin spice mixed in. It reminded me of a Red Green quote, “If they don’t find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.” It wasn’t handsome, but it was effective. It kept the light lit and taught me that mixing scraps and bits and pieces together can carry you through some dark times of deep need. I did the best I could with what I had.  The light of that flame didn’t burn any less bright, although it did threaten to go out several times.  Frankencandle offered an opportunity for growth and grace.  Even when I may have only scraps and bits of my life to offer, God can transform it into something unique and interesting, maybe even beautiful.  Old Frankie gave off a different scent than any other candle in existence.  Sometimes, that’s us. WE are the collection of the chunks of our parents’ lives and grandparents’ lives held together with our own molten, liquid hopes, dreams, and purpose, creating in us a new and different being.  Whatever it looks like, it is called to carry that beautiful flame that has been passed down from generation to generation.  We’re called to hold up our blobby, melty, jar of mismatched wax and borrowed wick and say, like He did, “This is my body”, and to give our entire selves to him.  We are called to carry the light of Christ’s love, and to give our wax and wicks to feed it, until our wicks are burned out and the paraffin that made up our lives has fed the flame that we have shared with the other Frankencandles of the world.   

Every time I saw the flame, I was reminded to pray for my people that I couldn't be with, that I couldn't see, that didn't have anyone to be with them. I was committed to keeping it alive as long as it took, although, like the pandemic, there was no solid “end date”, I just knew I was in for the long haul, so I’d better make a better plan. 

I started to look online to see what candles were available that I could have delivered to my house. There were lots of options online to order, but most of the manufacturers were closed because it wasn't safe for their employees to work there. Finding candles was going to be a major undertaking. I made a lot of phone calls, sent a lot of emails to businesses, and discovered that the dollar store near me had quite a selection of candles. The big question was “am I willing to go get them?” The answer for some time was no. then I started feeling a little desperate. We were getting down to the last of the FrankenCandles, and the jar candles that I had around my house were running low. Desperation hit me, so I masked up, put on layers of clothing, and drove to the dollar store. They didn't have many jar candles left, but I bought what they had. This was a total of about five candles. These jar candles were advertised to last a week each. They really lasted about three days. Sometimes four. I was burning through candles pretty quickly, without much hope that more could be found. 

I found one online store that said that they were still open and that they were still shipping so I ordered a case of candles from them and waited ... And waited ... Aaannndddd… waited.  I received a shipping statement that said they were on the way. I was over the moon excited to get them!!! They didn't come… Not right away.  When I called the manufacturer, she said that because the people who make their candles are developmentally disabled adults, it wasn't safe for them to be in the building, so they didn't know when they would have candles to ship. But they would ship them as soon as they had some available. GAHHHH!!! Curse this rotten Corona PANDO!!!! (I wish they had told me they weren’t available to begin with, honestly.)

Waiting for candles was excruciating.  So was every single thing about not being able to worship together. Actually, so was EVERY SINGLE THING about the pandemic. We waited. It's what we did. We waited for things to get better. We waited for things to be safe. We waited for a vaccine. We waited for things to open up. We waited and hoped for a return to some semblance of normal. And while we were waiting, I held on to that candle. The light didn't go out as long as I kept it burning, and there was hope in that. It was a reminder that one day the light would return to the whole world and the people in darkness would see a great light and we would be free.

 

Finally, I received notification that the candles were shipped FOR REAL and just in time, since I was down to my last 2 candles. I lit my last candle and said a little prayer hoping that the shipment of new candles would come in before it burned out. That candle lasted five days. It was down to the gooey stuff under the wick holder when the new case of candles showed up at the door. I was BEYOND EXCITED to open the box and see 24 BRAND NEW FULL candles ready to hold my flame and to keep it going. These new candles would burn for five or six days each. I was looking at THE FUTURE! My hope was renewed right when I needed it to be. God is so good. I pulled 2 candles out of the box and immediately lit them both. I was not going to let the flame go out on my watch! I decided that burning the candles two at a time, (while it would use up the candles faster) would ensure that at least one flame was still burning at all times. And after having come so close to having my last lonely, single flame go out, I wasn't willing to take the chance anymore. My flame would always have a partner, someone to share the responsibility of keeping that flame fed, and someone to relight my spark if it should go out. In my faith life as well, there were times I felt alone in practicing my faith and growing my love for God. It doesn’t work!  I can't make this journey alone. We weren't created to worship alone. We are a community of saints, some already created, and some in the making. Our God is a community of persons, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. We are made in the image and likeness of that community of persons, so we weren't created to be alone. The candles wouldn’t be either.  

 As I watched the candles burn together, I started to notice that when a candle gets lower and has less left to burn, the flame would actually appear brighter! Likely because there was not as much wax to get in the way of the light and an interesting thing happens when the candle gets to the bottom of the jar. There’s nothing left but a tiny bit of wax and all flame. I hope that my life is like that. I hope that when I get to the end of my life I’m ALL FLAME. I hope that I have lived in such a way that I’ve burned off all of the wax of my life. I hope I’ve spent  I’ve spent the whole thing and all that’s left is the fire of God’s love.

 After those initial candles, I started to stagger lighting the candles, so I didn’t light them both on the same day. One of them would be a few days ahead of the other and it was beautiful watching them glow together and watching how the flames would change and interact with each other and how two flames were obviously brighter than one, but they seem to work together. I really enjoyed knowing that the candle that was lower, was lit by a candle that is no longer burning. The candle that contained more wax, the newer candle, was lit by the candle next to it that was more spent. It was beautiful knowing that when the lower candle was finished, the next new candle would be lit by the same fire, by the same beautiful flame that had been passed from wick to wick to wick, and that’s the same as our Christian faith has been passed on. It’s been passed from person to person. It’s been passed from father to child, disciple to disciple, believer to convert, for decades, for centuries, and for time to come. I could see its future, I could see its past, I could see the path that it was on… and it was beautiful.

More to follow… 

 

The Candle Story (Part 1)

 For the last five years I've wanted to share this story.  It's a true story that I've shared with some friends and they have encouraged me to share it with you. I've made it into installments so it's not such a chore to read.  I hope you find something within it to grow your faith.  

To GOD be the praise, 

To Him be the Glory.

He is the author 

of EVERY great story. 

In March of 2020 the whole world shifted. Do you remember? A new kind of sickness, a coronavirus known as COVID-19 was spreading worldwide, and the CDC was trying to get a handle on it. The whole world became gripped with a crippling fear of catching or spreading this deadly virus and people were encouraged to avoid each other LITERALLY “like the plague”. This threat quickly reached pandemic proportions and drove everyone indoors. Schools shut down. Businesses closed and many employees had to learn how to work from home, except for those deemed “essential workers”. Medical staff, food service workers, and many others continued to go to work in person to try to keep the world running.  Our familiar way of life quickly became uncharted territory as we learned how to navigate life in these “unprecedented times” without making actual physical contact with each other. We wiped down our groceries before bringing them into the house, changed our clothes when we had been around other people, and wore masks EVERYWHERE when we had to leave the house. People kept a “social distance” of 6 feet apart. We were all going to have to get creative to get through this pandemic.   

I should probably explain something about March in Michigan. In March, it's cold, dark, and wet. It is winter’s last hurrah, and the last bits of spending 4–5-months indoors. It's the final few weeks of hibernation and the people inside the house are chomping at the bit to burst back into life.  However, in March of 2020, “shelter in place” was the name of the game. Instead of the usual five months of being indoors, interspersed with outings for celebrations and basketball games, shopping and visiting friends, we were just… waiting. With our own people. Really…  really…  really… together. It was the tail end of winter, cold and dark, still indoors… and in 2020, it seemed like it would never end.

On March 19^th, our Bishop Paul Bradley of the Diocese of Kalamazoo, Michigan, sent a public letter, which included the following.   

 “I must admit that this is the most difficult challenge and heart-wrenching decision I have faced, not only as your Bishop, but in my life as a priest. Never could I imagine that I would be faced with such a need to restrict our people from coming together to celebrate this greatest act of worship that Jesus has given to us in the Eucharistic Celebration of the Holy Mass, especially as our Diocese is observing our “Year of the Eucharist”…

However, in cooperation with the directives of the Center for Disease Control and the Governor of the State of Michigan, and in concert with my brother Bishops throughout the Province and our country, beginning on Friday, March 20, 2020, all public celebrations of the Holy Mass are suspended until at least April 5, 2020…”

Lent began on February 26^th that year, so this pandemic started right smack in the middle of it. There were things we had all given up, and the running joke was that Covid was what everyone WANTED to give up for Lent this year. It was like the whole world was given this external Lenten penance. A new era was being born.  If you wanted to be Catholic, you had to BE CATHOLIC, intentionally finding ways to live your faith. There was no more just showing up at a church on Sunday morning for an hour. If you wanted that connection, you had to work for it.  Masses were offered virtually on Zoom, Skype, Facebook live, and a variety of other platforms. If you wanted to worship, you had to PLAN for it, SEEK IT OUT, and we did.  We went to outdoor Eucharistic Adoration. We attended drive-up confessions, we did our very best to stay Catholic, but one thing was missing.  

I missed the Mass. That is a MASSIVE understatement.  It had been several weeks since I had been able to attend Mass in person, and with 2020 being the “Year of the Eucharist”, I hungered and thirsted for it.  “As a deer longs for flowing streams, so my soul longs for you, O God.” (Psalm 42:1 NSRV) Okay, that doesn’t seem strong enough to express my need and desire for the actual body and blood, soul and divinity of my Lord and Savior in the flesh, but I’ve also never been a thirsty deer, so maybe it’s spot on. They say you want most what you can’t have, and I was STARVING for the Eucharist.                                       

Easter Sunday was April 12, so there was still some hope that we would be back in person in time for celebrating the Easter Triduum (Three Days) that is the Superbowl of Catholic worship. As days and weeks stretched on, it became clear that this year’s Triduum and Holy Week would be nothing like what we were used to.  There would be no worshipping together with all our friends and family. There would be no choir. No lights. No dressing up to celebrate. There would be no Friday stations of the cross, or soup and bread dinners. There would be emptiness like the silence of the tomb. The depth of my sadness caught me by surprise.

On Good Friday, all the lights in the church are extinguished. Every single candle. It is a vital part of the Triduum. The light of the world is unavailable, then when all seems lost, a new fire is lit on Holy Saturday evening. That light dispels the darkness of the grave and begins our Easter celebration as first one candle is lit from a new fire outdoors, and then the flame is passed from candle to candle, held by our brothers and sisters, friends and family, until the entire church is aglow with HIS light!  It’s so BEAUTIFUL! Seeing the candlelight spread and the joy in everyone’s hearts, and the singing begins, and the grand, glorious EXULTANT Halleluia is sung and the WHOLE STORY IS TOLD, and people are getting baptized and joining the church and we’re all REVELING in the VICTORY that Christ has won for all of us! 

But it was 2020… and, well… COVID. 

I had questions. Concerns, really. Maybe even a little fear. Would a new fire be coming into the Church if there was no one there to share it with? Would it all still happen, even if we aren't there to participate? I consulted Father Chris Ankley, my dear friend, and he ensured me that the Triduum would be celebrated by those priests living at the rectory together.  I asked if he would light a candle for me from that new fire. I figured having that holy light in our home would be a connection to the light burning in the church. One fire, two flames.  Father Chris said he'd be happy to light a candle from the new fire for me. He said was saying Mass at 8:00 AM on Easter Sunday morning, and I could come to the church to get it.  

To be continued…

The One That You Love

When you read a story from the gospel, put yourself in the story. Ask yourself which character you are. Are you just watching it all take place, or are you a main player in the tale being told?  Look around the scene and observe what it would look like, smell like, feel like, taste like. If you could pause the scene and talk with Jesus, what would you say? Father Chris spoke just a little about this Ignatian Imaginative prayer in Mass today, and I am all about it.  Be warned, if you are an imaginative person, it's gonna be intense.  If you're NOT an imaginative person, try to pretend someone just slipped a pair of VR glasses on you and you're suddenly immersed into this whole new scene.  Except it's in your mind.  (Imagination...) 

Try it.  The gospel reading at Mass today was John 11:1-45. It's the lengthy story of Lazarus getting sick, his sisters letting Jesus know, Lazarus dying, Jesus coming to see them, ---Jesus wept--- and Lazarus being raised from the dead "for the glory of God, that the Son of God may be glorified through it.” 

Now read it for real and live in it. Read the whole thing, then come back to the beginning with me.  The beginning of this chapter tells us who we're talking about.  These are his friends. He's spent time with them and shared meals with them.  Can you feel it?  Jesus and the guys hanging out with Lazarus and Mary while Martha makes some food. Mary rubs his feet with expensive oil and wipes them with her hair.  They're laughing and talking and Jesus is sharing the important things with them. He LOVES them. They know it. It's not because of the food or the wine, or anything particular. It's friendship. It's just... Jesus. He just loves them.    

"So the sisters sent word to him, saying, “Master, the one you love is ill.”"-John 11:3

So, using our imaginative prayer, Who am I in THIS verse? I am definitely not the Master.  I'd mess that up in a hurry.

I am sometimes the one who is ill. I do have a heart condition. It's also that time of year when the inhabitants of the elementary school where I work share every possible germ and virus, They're pickers and lickers, but I love them. (More about them another day.)  

It feels vain to say it, but I know I am the one he loves. Even so, am I fully trusting that he will help me? If his help is long in coming, or if it isn't playing out the way I think it should happen, can I trust that the outcome will be for the Glory of God? Can the Son of God be glorified through MY illness? I'm working on it. 

The only other option is to be one of the sisters. This is it. It's real and raw and sometimes brutal, but this is where I am. I don't just sense or imagine the desperation in Mary and Martha's message, I remember it. I remember being in the hospital with my mom as she was dying. I remember visiting in the hospital with Levi, my grandson, before and after his heart surgery.  In all of those moments, I remember "sending word" to Jesus in prayer.

"Master, the one you love is ill."

"Master, the one you love has cancer."

"Master, the one you love had a stroke."

"Master, the one you love is lost, broken and scared."

"Master, the one you love is fading, losing strength and hope."

"Master, the one you love has a heart that won't work right."

"Master, the one you love is barely holding on." 

"Master, the one you love is dying."

"Master, the one you love is grieving."

"Master, the one you love, I LOVE TOO, and I can't fix it."

That last part breaks my heart. As I'm sobbing over here, I am encouraged by some other words in this reading... Jesus wept. Same. 

But also, 

"Master, the one you love is encouraged!"

"Master, the one you love is redeemed."

"Master, the one you love loves you back."

   

Father Chris challenged us to ponder these words as our homework from Mass. I think you just read my homework.  I recommend you do it too! Write your own words to the Master, and remember that YOU are the one Jesus loves!

A Different View from This Old Shoe!

 

“There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children she didn’t know what to do…” That’s how the old nursery rhyme starts, and that’s how this blog started 15 years ago.  I was that woman.  I was knee deep in ankle-biters.  My home was a cacophony of cracker-cruncher chaos.  I loved it. 

A lot has changed. We’ve lost friends and family members and gained some new ones. The kids are grown, and life is different, and still amazing.  GOD IS SO GOOD! 

I don’t think there are any more verses to that nursery rhyme, but there are lots of verses for our little corner of the world. It would sound something like this:   

So out of the house each one left as they grew.  They became young adults, as all children must do. To the Army! To college! To their work they all run! Creating their own lives, each daughter and son.

The shoe has grown quiet, with a soft empty hush. No overbooked schedules, no reason to rush. The quiet was piercing, what an awkward transition. I find myself now in a different position.

It’s just me and my spouse all alone in this shoe.  Now we go when we want, and we do what we do. We were tourists in Paris, and Pilgrims in Rome. We prayed in Assisi and then came back home.   

We love all those children and grandbabies, too. When they all come home, it’s a very full shoe. So I’ll share our adventures, (we’re having a hoot!) The “View From the Shoe” will now get a REBOOT!

  I’m hoping to share more of the amazing things God has done in our lives, and some of the things He’s taught me.  It’s important to stay teachable at every age.  I CAN NOT BELIEVE the amazing things I’ve been blessed to see and do and be a part of. (And I was THERE!)

Stay tuned and buckle up.  God writes the best stories!   

Looking into the darkness

 Several times in my life, I’ve found myself in the dark, dark, desolation. Sometimes I’ve been completely engulfed in it, even though I could detect the soft glow of light on the edges, coming from who knows where. All I could perceive is bleak, cold, emptiness. 

I’ve been there. In that place. I’ve curled up in the fetal position and sobbed in that lonely darkness. Alone. Afraid. Unable to see anything real or true or beautiful. 

If you’re there, there’s something I want you to know. 

You, my friend, are looking into your own shadow. 

So was I.  Trapped in my own thoughts and feelings, I felt there was nothing good to be seen, but I was mistaken. Shadows only happen when something gets in the way of a source of light. I don’t know how I got there, but I was in the way. I got all turned around. My sadness and my fear had me looking straight down and only right in front of me. I covered my eyes to hide from the dark, which only made it darker. 

Open your eyes. Move around and watch that shadow mimic you. Go ahead. Make a bird with your hands. Can you see it now? It’s a shadow! So there has to be a light shining somewhere. Look around and see that light being reflected off the things (and people) around you. Where is it coming from?

That light is behind you. Turn around, if you can. 

Next time you’re in the dark and it feels  hopeless and forever, please hold on. 

This is only a shadow. There’s still a light. It’s shining on you. 

Much love. 

The Other Stuff

 I've been uncomfortable and out of sorts lately. My thoughts have been going to the OTHER STUFF.  You know, the OTHER STUFF you would be doing if you weren't doing the things you're currently doing? Sometimes the fact that I'm not doing the OTHER STUFF makes me question if I've correctly prioritized the stuff I AM doing. Maybe the stuff I'm doing isn't the best stuff to bring God glory, and to leave the world a more loving place, which are my life goals. There are so many good options, it's hard to know what to do.  

I love my job of teaching kids how to read, problem-solve, and communicate. There are lots of other things I've taught them, like the word "biohazard", that rubbing bologna on the table is just a bad idea, and that "there ain't no 'a' in they".  Girl, I could write a book. but I digress. I've been doing my job professionally for 14 years, and I'm good at it. I've gained a treasure trove of tips, and strategies from so many fantastic education professionals, and from the kids themselves. I know all about phonemic awareness, and onset/rime. I know what a "schwa" is, and how to help kids decode correctly.  I get to be fully myself while I sing the "Walking Feet" song down the hallway, and some days I get to dress like a total FREAK, because Mrs. Swager don't play when it comes to Crazy Hair Day! So why do I sometimes wonder what else I can do?  

I'm blaming it on my candles.  

I always have a candle lit in my home.  I lit a candle from the new fire on Holy Saturday (yes, at Easter), and that flame continues to burn in my home.  I have to replace the wax and wicks, but the fire itself hasn't been extinguished.  I just move it from candle to candle. This latest batch of candles doesn't burn very brightly.  In fact, they barely stay lit at all, and I have to really keep an eye on them.  When the wick has burned all the way to the bottom, there's still a thick layer of wax clinging to the outside of the jar. This gets me thinking about the candle being like my life.  

The flame represents the inner spark of life (which is love itself), and the wick of my lifetime carries it. The wax is the life I'm living outside of myself: experiences, people I love, and things I do. This new box of candles represents the intensity with which I'm currently living my life, and right now, I'm leaving a lot behind, and not burning as brightly as I could. This makes me wonder what I'm leaving "on the table" as it were. Who wants to get to the end of their wick to find out there was so much more wax there to melt? 

So here I am, pondering the OTHER STUFF, and as I write this, I realize that I do not know why these candles aren't as bright. I could guess that they have bad wicks, but don't we all have challenges in our "wicks"?  My heart issues, and lack of a thyroid tend to slow me down, but they don't slow me down nearly as much as my slothfulness. I nap. I'm practically gifted at it.  I could teach a master class. The problem with the candles may be the wick, but that's not my problem.

Truth is, it doesn't matter which STUFF I'm doing.  What really matters is if I'm doing it with love.  The wick of my lifetime won't get longer.  That's not how lifetimes work.  If I want to make sure I use up the entire supply of wax in the candle of my life, I need to love more. If I want my life to be well spent, (and completely spent) I need to love with my whole self.  No matter what STUFF I'm doing, I need to remember what really matters.