Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Lost and found

It feels like I haven't written in forever.  To be honest, I've felt lost for quite a while, and I'm trying to find my way again.  Not the same old ways I'm used to, but a new way.  A healthier, happier way.  Sometimes, however, I get lost inside my own life.  It feels like being on a carousel horse, and my life is spinning by so fast that if I try to take it all in, it will overtake my senses, and I'll get nauseous and disoriented, and can't enjoy the ride.  So I try to look at one thing for a moment, then swing ahead to another thing for a moment. 

So basically, my life looks like a series of little moments that I try to hold onto without barfing...Nice. 

Some of those moments are amazing moments.  I reflect on them often and they fill my heart with so much love that it leaks out my eyes.  (If you know me at all, you know I'm a cryer.)  Moments spent loving my husband.  Moments spent holding my children, and loving them.  Just being near them, no matter what we're doing is such a blessing.  I'm so blessed to be with them.  I see myself as so blessed to still be here, with them. 

To be a 5 percenter is a huge blessing.  I'm part of that fortunate 5 percent of people who survive Sudden Cardiac Death.  But I have some days that it doesn't feel like a blessing.  Don't get me wrong, I love my family and friends.  I enjoy every day I'm still above the dirt, but something is missing for me.  When I was without a pulse, I was in the arms of my Maker.  Just as I have held my beloved children close to my heart, and listened to their soft baby breath, and felt the warmth of their cuddle, and LOVED my children, so my Maker held me.  Safe, beloved, perfect, and whole, I was the baby!  I was the bundle of hope that nestled warmly in the arms of the Creator of the Universe, and felt love that words can't even come close to expressing.  I felt the presence of God surround me, and it changed me forever. 

And I "survived".  Or did I?  A friend of mine was talking to me this week about some other totally unrelated stuff, and he inadvertently put my mind on a thought I'd never considered.  In the Old Testament, God shortened the lifespan of people to 120 years (+ or -).  This part I'd heard before, the new part is that he chose to do this because being apart from the One your soul was created to love for much more than that was just cruel.  Even with meditation and prayer, and fasting we can only be with our beloved imperfectly during this life, so we pine away, and search and try every formula we can come up with to be closer to the one who loves us to each and every cell of our beings. I was there! I was in the arms that formed the planets!  Now I'm here.   

Maybe the truth is that 95% of people are allowed to begin their afterlife after experiencing Sudden Cardiac Death, and I'm not one of them.  And that's okay, because He has other things for me to do. 

Maybe the message I'm called to share is that God loves you more than you can ever fathom!  More than Belgian chocolate with berries and Creme Fresh (which is spectacular, btw).  More than butterfly kisses, and puppies peeing outside!  More than even grandmothers being there for birthday parties, and teenage children telling you they love you.  (Which is all crazy good stuff!)  God loves you.  He's kind enough and merciful enough to know when your days are done.  He's also kind and merciful enough to give me the strength to stay here.  He has courage to share, and sent an amazing role model.  Jesus cried in the garden when he was scared.  I don't even need a garden! 

Funny, I don't feel quite so lost as when I started this rambling.  I've found a new group of friends who understand part of what I've been through.  They understand part of the fear and pain.  Some of them understand the confusion of feeling "left behind" by their Maker, whom they love.  Some of them understand the loneliness and searching for balance.  I hope they all know that they are loved and respected and valued, and that we are called to a different purpose than those enjoying their Heavenly rewards.  We were lost, but now we're finding our way.    

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