Easter morning came and I was
so excited to get this little piece of the Triduum and bring it home. I got to Saint Joseph
church early. I assumed it was a private Mass that we could not attend, so we
planned to get there before it started. When Luke and I arrived at the sacristy
Father Chris was there preparing for Mass and he gave us the candle and assured
us that it was lit from the fire from the night before. Luke and I took the
candle gingerly and started to leave, joyful to share the light, but mournful
at being so close to the Mass, but not part of it.
Father Chris stopped us
and asked if we would like to stay for Mass!!!
GLORY HALLELUIA! YES YES YES! It’s an Easter Miracle! We
jumped at the chance! We hadn't been physically to Mass in a solid month or more
and hadn't received the Eucharist in what felt like forever. We found a spot in
the church half way back, and incredibly distant from the five or six other
people who were present in the church. Luke and I were SO THANKFUL to be LIVE
and IN PERSON for Mass. We set the candle down on the floor and prayed like
never before. When it came time for the Eucharist, we were scrambling to find
the prayer of Spiritual Communion that we had been accustomed to praying
instead of receiving “for real”. I looked up and to my surprise the other
people in the church were going forward to receive communion! I nearly shoved
Luke out of the pew, and we scurried to the front of the church to receive the
Blessed Sacrament! My heart was beating out of my chest! It was beyond satisfaction. It was beyond feeding HUNGER or quenching THIRST. It was like the feeling that I had when my
sons returned from active duty in the military. My heart has returned! What a Eucharistic Homecoming! The one I love has returned
to me!!! I was made whole again. I had no idea then how long it would be until
I would receive the sacrament again, but at that moment, it didn’t matter. I was home. That communion carried me through
a lot of dark days, and so did that light. Now to get it home….
After Mass, I was terrified
that the wind would blow out the candle.
No, that’s not quite right. Carrying
that candle, I was like a first-time Mother carrying her newborn baby over a tightrope extended over the Grand Canyon… in the wind. This flame was my connection to its sister
flame burning in front of the tabernacle inside the church, indicating that
God’s presence was truly there. For me, it represented so many things: God’s
presence, the hope of our return to Mass and my own faith life. Its survival
felt linked to mine, spiritually. We got home and carefully carried the candle
into our home. It was very
emotional. I was overjoyed to see this
light, which represented the Light of the World, our Lord Himself, in my very
own home. I placed it on the kitchen
table… Looked at it… and realized I had no idea what to do next.
First, I had to find a place to keep it that would allow us
to see it, but wouldn’t get knocked over, bumped, or in any way catch the house
on fire. I created a home for it in the prayer corner, the perfect spot. Safe
and visible.
Then I realized how COMPLETELY unprepared I was for my fiery little
guest. I mean, it doesn’t seem like keeping a flame burning is a difficult
thing to do. Pretty much you just keep a candle under it. I hadn’t made
an actual plan for those candles. In hindsight, that would have been a great idea. It doesn't seem like it
would be difficult to just get more candles, BUT… we were early in the pandemic and deep in “unprecedented
times”. Just like everything else about the pandemic, nothing was simple, so I’d have to make it up as I go along. So many stores were closed. Even when the stores
were open, my doctor ABSOLUTELY FORBADE ME from being around other people. I'm
not an extreme person, however when my doctor tells me that I should be living life
in a hamster ball because I would surely die a slow, suffocating death if I got
COVID, I tend to listen. Yes, the level of panic was exactly that real. Even
those who didn’t have health conditions were told to “shelter in place” and
stay home unless ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY!!!
Running out to the store to purchase more candles (at least at that
point) was not an option for me, and I wasn’t willing to send my family into
that danger either. I considered my
options.
“FrankenCandle” was the brainchild of necessity and
creativity. Doesn’t everyone
have a drawer full of bits and pieces of random half-spent and broken candles? I
turned to that drawer in my time of desperation to find the fuel that would
keep my faith light lit.
I had some glass jars that were the “Ghost of 7-day votives
Past” and an eclectic variety of taper candles, so I got to work melting the
stumps and broken pieces that I had been saving for years. It’s funny, at the time I saved them I didn’t
really know why I couldn’t just throw them away like a normal person. Even
hoarding candle bits can serve God’s purposes, I guess.
I layered the melted wax and the smaller chunks into the
jar, let it cool a little, then pushed a taper candle down into the middle of
it. Within a few hours I had created the
craziest looking pillar you’ve ever seen. The candle bits were a mixed bag, so
you never really knew what scent you were going to get. It could smell like a fruit salad, sometimes smelled like Christmas and roses had a baby, and sometimes smelled like cotton linen with some pumpkin
spice mixed in. It reminded me of a Red Green quote, “If they don’t find you
handsome, they should at least find you handy.” It wasn’t handsome, but it was
effective. It kept the light lit and taught me that mixing scraps and bits and
pieces together can carry you through some dark times of deep need. I did the
best I could with what I had. The light
of that flame didn’t burn any less bright, although it did threaten to go out several
times. Frankencandle offered an
opportunity for growth and grace. Even
when I may have only scraps and bits of my life to offer, God can transform it
into something unique and interesting, maybe even beautiful. Old Frankie gave off a different scent than
any other candle in existence. Sometimes, that’s us. WE are the collection of
the chunks of our parents’ lives and grandparents’ lives held together with our
own molten, liquid hopes, dreams, and purpose, creating in us a new and
different being. Whatever it looks like,
it is called to carry that beautiful flame that has been passed down from
generation to generation. We’re called
to hold up our blobby, melty, jar of mismatched wax and borrowed wick and say,
like He did, “This is my body”, and to give our entire selves to him. We are called to carry the light of Christ’s
love, and to give our wax and wicks to feed it, until our wicks are burned out
and the paraffin that made up our lives has fed the flame that we have shared
with the other Frankencandles of the world.
Every time I saw the flame, I was reminded to pray for my
people that I couldn't be with, that I couldn't see, that didn't have anyone to
be with them. I was committed to keeping it alive as long as it took, although,
like the pandemic, there was no solid “end date”, I just knew I was in for the
long haul, so I’d better make a better plan.
I started to look online to see what candles were available
that I could have delivered to my house. There were lots of options online to
order, but most of the manufacturers were closed because it wasn't safe for
their employees to work there. Finding candles was going to be a major
undertaking. I made a lot of phone calls, sent a lot of emails to businesses,
and discovered that the dollar store near me had quite a selection of candles.
The big question was “am I willing to go get them?” The answer for some time
was no. then I started feeling a little desperate. We were getting down to the
last of the FrankenCandles, and the jar candles that I had around my house were
running low. Desperation hit me, so I masked up, put on layers of clothing, and
drove to the dollar store. They didn't have many jar candles left, but I bought
what they had. This was a total of about five candles. These jar candles were advertised
to last a week each. They really lasted about three days. Sometimes four. I was
burning through candles pretty quickly, without much hope that more could be
found.
I found one online store that said that they were still
open and that they were still shipping so I ordered a case of candles from them
and waited ... And waited ... Aaannndddd… waited. I received a shipping statement that said they
were on the way. I was over the moon excited to get them!!! They didn't come… Not
right away. When I called the
manufacturer, she said that because the people who make their candles are
developmentally disabled adults, it wasn't safe for them to be in the building,
so they didn't know when they would have candles to ship. But they would ship
them as soon as they had some available. GAHHHH!!! Curse this rotten Corona PANDO!!!! (I wish they had told me they weren’t available to begin with, honestly.)
Waiting for candles was excruciating. So was every single thing about not being able
to worship together. Actually, so was EVERY SINGLE THING about the pandemic. We
waited. It's what we did. We waited for things to get better. We waited for
things to be safe. We waited for a vaccine. We waited for things to open up. We
waited and hoped for a return to some semblance of normal. And while we were waiting,
I held on to that candle. The light didn't go out as long as I kept it burning,
and there was hope in that. It was a reminder that one day the light would
return to the whole world and the people in darkness would see a great light
and we would be free.
Finally, I received notification that the candles were
shipped FOR REAL and just in time, since I was down to my last 2 candles. I lit
my last candle and said a little prayer hoping that the shipment of new candles
would come in before it burned out. That candle lasted five days. It was down
to the gooey stuff under the wick holder when the new case of candles showed up
at the door. I was BEYOND EXCITED to open the box and see 24 BRAND NEW FULL candles
ready to hold my flame and to keep it going. These new candles would burn for
five or six days each. I was looking at THE FUTURE! My hope was renewed right
when I needed it to be. God is so good. I pulled 2 candles out of the box and
immediately lit them both. I was not going to let the flame go out on my watch!
I decided that burning the candles two at a time, (while it would use up the
candles faster) would ensure that at least one flame was still burning at all
times. And after having come so close to having my last lonely, single flame go
out, I wasn't willing to take the chance anymore. My flame would always have a
partner, someone to share the responsibility of keeping that flame fed, and
someone to relight my spark if it should go out. In my faith life as well,
there were times I felt alone in practicing my faith and growing my love for
God. It doesn’t work! I can't make this
journey alone. We weren't created to worship alone. We are a community of saints,
some already created, and some in the making. Our God is a community of persons,
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. We are made in the image and likeness of that
community of persons, so we weren't created to be alone. The candles wouldn’t
be either.
More to follow…
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