There are so many worries and fears and concerns that we deal with every day, and so many of them are "little things". Things like "Did I cook enough hot dogs?" or "Should I water the raspberry plants tomorrow?" These things are not the things I'm talking about today.
Tonight I'm talking about those fears we keep deep in our hearts that polite people don't talk about in dinner party conversations. Have you ever been passing the hors d'ourves and asked someone "Do you think you'll wake up tomorrow?" RUDE! You'd never do that! Does anyone casually mention, perhaps while on the way to dinner and a show, "I'm afraid my child is making a monumentally bad decision, and I fear for their soul, and their physical safety?" No Way! These are the worries that we keep deep in our hearts. Fears of failure. Lack of control over situations and other people's choices. Of course, we know that we only get to choose our reactions to events and other people's choices. Still, we fear for those we love, and for ourselves.
I think it comes down to trust. I'm terrible with trust. I used to trust everyone, but those days have gone. I earned my "rectal smoke detector" and I can usually tell when someone's blowing smoke...well, you know. I used to trust my body. We are working on reconciliation, but when you feel you've been betrayed, it's hard to trust again. That's where I'm at tonight.
I'm ready to admit that I felt a bit betrayed when I had my cardiac arrest. It's very childish, and hard to explain, but I felt like my body turned on me. And as long as I'm being really REALLY honest, I felt a little like God did too. I know we're all good today, but I still have those days when I feel my soul cry out, "My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?" I was so confused when I was in the hospital. Why wouldn't He take me to Heaven? Why did this happen? What the heck is going on with this body that I have fed and nourished and exercised (and grew lots of babies in) and I've known my whole life? What's happening here? It's a whole new world, and I don't understand any of it!
I know that some of you reading this have your own heart-felt concerns tonight. When I pray about all of these things that weigh me down, and I ask "why", I get the only answer God ever gives me. "Because I love you." Why didn't I get to go to Heaven? "Because I love you, and your family needs you." Why don't I know what's wrong with my body? "Because I love you, and I'm still holding you close to my own Sacred Heart, and I have a plan, trust me." Why don't I know how to console my friends when they are in times of trouble? "Because I love you, and them. Just write, and trust, and Know that I am God, and I will give them peace."
Prince of Peace. Prince of Pardon and Mercy. Watch over us and hold us dear. Help me to place all my deepest cares and worries in Our Father's loving hands, and mean it when I say, "Jesus I trust in you."