Wednesday, July 13, 2011

My Reflection

I woke up this morning and looked around my room.  Messy, very messy.  Anyway, I looked around to the window where I could see a beautiful blue sky and the tips of my backyard trees swaying softly in the light breeze.  As I panned my vision from left to right, I saw a mess, some laundry, some boxes of books I need to take care of, my full-length mirror, and my big dark brown dresser that holds most of my clothes (the ones not in the neat pile on my filing cabinet.)  My attention kept being drawn back to the mirror.  From the way it was sitting, it looked like an ill-devised addition to the dresser.  The color was the same, but the angles were a little off. 

As I sat in quiet conversation with my Maker (as I tend to do before I emerge from my bed.)  He whispered to me, "You are the mirror today.  What will you reflect?"  Hmmm.  

I don't think I'll waste my time reflecting the image of an inanimate object, like a dresser.  That would get boring really fast.  Plus, I'm trying to get over BEING an inanimate object.  I'm working on being be more active.  My thoughts turned to the window, where all of nature (especially some rather robust blue jays) are making a ruckus "singing" to me to get up and love the world!  That would be awesome to reflect, and it's a great goal. 

I don't want to reflect the mess that is my bedroom, however it's not my priority to clean it up right now, either.  (Simon was promised a trip to the zoo!)  

So what would happen if I just looked straight into the mirror this morning?  What would I see?  (Besides bedhead and an old T-shirt?) If I could hold a mirror to my heart, what would I see today?  

I see fear and anxiety.  

I'm not trying to, but it's there.  Lurking.  Just below the surface.  You can't see it in my face, but just below, I'm about to cry.  I'm really scared to get on the treadmill (or Dread-Mill) tomorrow and take this stress test.  I can't really even say what it is I fear.  Historically, I have had really bad experiences on dread-mills, and it makes me nervous to get on one.  I'm not afraid of exercising, I do a little of that at a time, and I haven't had a problem so far.  I think I'm afraid I'm going to have to admit (again) that I HAVE A HEART PROBLEM!  It's not just going to clear up or go away.  It's not a doctor's mistake.  It's not something a Z-pack can cure.  This is going to be forever!  It's who I am now, and I Don't Like IT! 

The whole reason for this test is to find out if my medications can make up for the weirdness of my heart.  I'm trying to be optimistic, and go in there full of confidence with an attitude of "Okay, Let's DO this thing! Bring it ON!"  But that's only how I feel on the outside.  I'm trying to get there on the inside, too.

I'm the mirror.  I get to choose what I reflect today. 

I choose love and kindness.  I choose to see (and reflect) the goodness in the people around me.  I choose to not let the quirks of my body determine my mood and demeanor.  I choose to give all my fears to my beloved Jesus, and keep giving it back to Him until I can walk up to that treadmill  with the confidence that He's got this handled.  Still not my will, but the will of my Maker. 

 I don't get on the treadmill until tomorrow, so I choose to see today, today!

You are the mirror, too! What will you reflect? 

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